Dear (I’ll not give you power by speaking your name),
My life is in ruins and you are to blame.
You’re the excuse I give for not accomplishing my goals,
the reason my book bombed before it soared.
And it’s because of you, I’m so freakin’ bored.
You’re the reason for my miscarriages,
my financial collapse, my failed marriages,
You’re the reason I’ve fattened my curves,
the reason I’m drinking more to calm my nerves.
You’re the reason my children don’t come visiting.
The reason (except for my husband) I’m all alone sitting
on the couch, quarantined, and it’s all your fuckin’ faults.
Filled with alibis and justification,
I want to blame you, but it would be false
to give you credit or qualification.
For if I were to blame you – you whose name I’ll not chime —
I’d have to thank you for the goodness in this isolation,
For this new perspective and source of inspiration,
this time to write a new and better novel to withstand time.
I’d have to thank you for absolving me of my sins of omission.
Thank you for giving myself the permission
not to work out, not to obsess about losing weight
(In the end, does it matter if I’m size 12 or size 8?).
I’d have to thank you for letting me skip a shower.
I want to thank you, but I won’t give you the power.
I’d have to thank you for letting me keep the skunk
striping my scalp or for letting me get drunk
on Cakebread Chardonnay on wine box Monday.
I’d have to thank you for no Botox one day
to drown the 11’s sprouting up between my brow
and the deep crevices shooting out across my bow.
I’d have to thank you for the liberty to wear
comfy sweat pants, t-shirts, no underwear,
Freedom to go braless, shoeless — less healthy,
more comfort food, more carbs, more sugar.
I’d have to thank you for keeping my children at bay.
They’re not visiting – love’s social distancing —
for a “senior,” more vulnerable to an unnecessary foray.
And I’d have to thank you for emerging
now when I’ve finally found someone
with whom I want to be isolating
today and forever, it’s you I want to blame.
I want to thank you, but I’ll not give you anymore sway
by speaking your name.
Photo by Odysseas Chloridis